Tuesday, November 16, 2010

Things people don't tell you about "City Life"

  • It's not possible to get rid of fruit flies.
  • Doing your laundry regularly will break your bank. Since when does a wash cycle that holds half of your darks cost $2.50??
  • Dress shoes (and all shoes) do not last long against 4 miles of pavement each day.
  • It is absolutely possible to find any manner of "ethnic cuisine" within 6 miles of any point in San Francisco.
  • When people say "excuse me" and a) don't immediately pass you, and b) are not holding a map or fanny pack, it's usually best to walk away (this based on statistically significant findings). I'm still having trouble with this one.
  • Traffic signals can be useful recommendations for pedestrians and vehicles, but no more than that. If you live near a large traffic signal, however, it can serve the additional purpose of colorful dance lighting in your living room.
  • Dancing on the center dividers of busy commercial streets is really no big deal, but you are not allowed to dance in MUNI buses or railcars. Hypocrites!
  • "People on the bus" can be an incredible source of endless entertainment, but you must be equipped with earbuds or large headphones at all times; small headphones do not work, and books (hah, books....yeah right) are only to be read when qualifying earphones are available. They must be easily accessible and able to be fitted within no more than 5 seconds, as this is the longest break you will ever experience in a conversation you do not want to be having on MUNI. It's also become apparent that the other end of the earphones do not need to be plugged into anything in particular, but if your trickery is revealed to your new-found BFF, you best be getting off the bus lickity-split.
  • Night Owl MUNI buses run time trials through the Richmond District. If there are less than 5 individuals on a given bus after 1am, a 25mph speed limit is really a 60mph speed limit, and hills, stop signs or other bus stops are only obstacles to the finish that deserve no attention.
  • There are coyotes in Golden Gate Park and they eat small animals. Reportedly, they got bored with the people in Marin and decided to walk across the GG Bridge awhile back. Having found plenty of garbage cans and squirrels, and no competition from the local raccoon population, they decided to stay in town and enjoy their newfound dominance on the top of the food chain. Now when they get deported, they just cross the bridge again AND THEY DON'T EVEN PAY THE TOLL!
  • Never ever expect it to be hot; but when it is, San Franciscans will freak out and fight each other. Symptoms include a general 40-pt drop in IQ among drivers, excessive testosterone for everyone, shouting arguments about philosophical theories between the homeless and businessmen, and an immediate tripling of "The end is nigh" signs on Market Street. Everyone seems to be happiest with the high 60s - so for the love of God, get your ass into the carbon market America!
  • It's surprisingly easy to find people who work for local government, to the point of paranoia. We seem to be everywhere, and with 26,000 City employees, we really are.
  • Don't mess with the bearded homeless guy.

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